Ramblings of Dying……

Basically I am Dying .... (Random ramblings as I think on e-paper )
Sunday April 21, 2024
This is not in the imminent sense but in the reality of the fact
“As to man, it is appointed unto him to die once, and after that comes judgement”. Hebrews 9: 27

“For all our days pass away under your wrath; we bring our years to an end like a sigh.
The years of our life are seventy, or even by reason of strength eighty: yet their span is but toil and trouble: they are soon gone and we fly away.” Psalm 90: 9, 10

But as I recognise that my body is slowly shutting down and each time I have to let go of doing some activity that I once truely enjoyed, acknowledge that something I really wanted to master is never going to happen or am truely honest with myself about the physical state of my body, I have to recognise that at 71, coming up 72, I am dying.

So who do I talk to about this?. Do I want to? Do I even want to acknowledge it to myself? ..... not really but I have now, as I am starting to write; so maybe that is a start. It is definitely having a negative impact on my mental/emotional health so for that reason alone, I must work through this.

I am not afraid to die, in that I have a strong faith in God. that Jesus died for my sin and that He was/is the substitute sacrifice that by the Grace of God brings me into a relationship with the Trinity of God.
Grace Alone, through Christ Alone. This is Hope. This is a heart knowledge but like so many aspects of my Faith, the bringing of this fact into the reality of my day to day life is challenging. That said, facing the awesome majesty of God is not something to be taken lightly.

Recent weeks and months have been difficult Being on the Mepolizumab since September 2022 had brought about a significant improvement in my lung health but that now seems to be deteriorating, along with kidney/incontinence issues, keeping the Adrenal Insufficiency stable, pain and who know what else from Osteoporosis etc. It is the aloneness of the process as it slowly develops that is difficult.

As a widow, I feel the huge loss from lack of physical touch. No hand to hold, no one to sit and watch a movie with, no hugs or kisses (or sexual intimacy). No personal conversations and sharing of dreams and fears, joys & disappointments, shared memories and adventures

The depression that is hitting me currently is concerning. I don’t know how to shake it. I have the tools. I know what it is. I know what I need to do. But I just want to withdraw What is the point? Why keep fighting to live? I am so tired of the struggle? I know these are not positive thoughts but it is also the reality of recognising that I am old and that time is most definitely not on my side.

What does God require of me at this point? I feel totally lost. Of no value to this world as I cannot do any of the things i used to do. I should be reaching out to others but how can I be a positive encouragement? I don’t want to be dishonest about how I am feeling but what is the point of being honest. Will it really help?

I can “look well” on the outside but inside a feel awful; both physically and emotionally. All the stuff that I have here at OmahaHouse that holds so many memories, hopes and dreams; it is just stuff of no value. Well it does have value but it is just that - stuff. My kids will just dump most of it.

At this point in their lives my children are of a similar age as when Derek and I ‘deserted them’ to head off in 2000 on our last American Adventure , 9 years living in California San Francisco Bay Area. We communicated intermittently. The first five grandchildren were born while we were away (Abigail just 2 weeks before his accident), another four born after Derek died (June 2009), and they are now all heading off into their own lives from Robert 20 at Uni & living with Livi to Cole 9. All busy, busy, busy & in the midst of that is Abigail (almost 15) and all her mental health issues and the ongoing pain and anguish of the past 14 months. As I look back on the example I set with how I related to my own parents, and how busy and pre-occupied we were with work, youth group and family; I cannot complain about the quality of our relationships.

This week back at OmahaHouse, (my former home at the beach and where the children grew up) was intended to lift my mental health, right now I feel it is dropping it further. I am not sure that I care to come back here again very often.
James Linda & Alexis have been here for the weekend and it has been wonderful. Linda has taken over cleaning stuff out and looking after the garden. James has done a number of repair jobs - leaking toilet upstairs, washing machine water pump (work around for now but replacement pump ordered), replaced the taps in main bathroom vanity & kitchen water-filter that were leaking. Dismantled the brass bed I had tried to put up, couldn’t and also recognised that it wouldn’t work in SW bedroom.

What have I achieved - cleaned inside the pot pullout cupboard, cracked a small bag of walnuts, enjoyed watching Skye and her Surf Training with Alexis. Two walks on the beach. Bumped my hand on the metal shelves and a 2cm skin tear has caused the entire back of my hand into a huge red ‘bruise’. I managed to get here on Thursday, & John L cooked Steak & Chips for dinner at their place before they went to music practice. I intended to go into town on Friday to visit Pat CJ & maybe take her up to visit Bev but didn’t have the energy

Lack of sleep last night is probably not helping so I probably should finish this ramble and go to bed, even though it is only 7:40pm

May 2024 - Unpacking

Fair to say that the last few weeks have been emotionally tough, along with some physical challenges. However starting to write about my feelings was the start of progress. As a society, we really do not like to think about dying, let alone actually talk about the possibility. Modern medicine would have us believe that pharmaceuticals or surgery will cure. Then there are the “faith healers” & the ‘healthy lifestyle advocates’.

So the logic goes; If we are still unwell, then we are not following the right protocols, not trusting God, don’t have access to the right medical treatment etc. That adds into the equation guilt and blame. We want the problem fixed and we want to be able to do all the things that we want & believe we should be doing.

God, who is sovereign in all things, often has a totally different plan for our lives. And yes there is a plan, Psalm 139 & Psalm 39. As a follower of Christ, all the truth of The Bible is precious to me, it is the Inspired Word of God, profitable for Instruction, correction and training in righteousness 2Timothy 3:16-17. Believing and accepting this is one thing, moving that head knowledge to the heart and then into the actions of my day to day life is an ongoing challenge.

The above Journal Entry was written before I received a letter from Outpatient Clinic with the opening statement “we do not have the capacity to see steroid-induced Adrenal Insufficiency in clinic”. followed by a simplistic, textbook outline changing to Prednisone for a Respiratory Infection and a reprimand that I was already taking more than normal amounts (an increase that had been prescribed by Endocrinology 18 months earlier and is in fact well within the range of normal) This was in response to my GP’s request for a referral and guidance as to how I should be managing Adrenal Insufficiency in the midst of other complex health issues. That letter just further emphasised how alone I felt and a little scared of how to manage going forward.

All of these challenges lead me back to some verses that have been key in my life.

Romans 12:1-2. A Living Sacrifice

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

The key in this for me is to be transformed by the renewal of your mind but in order to do that, I must first recognise where I am conforming to this world. thinking that is subtle in nuance but is in reality keeping us from being true followers of Christ and conforming to the Word of God.

Jesus also said - Take Up Your Cross and Follow Jesus
Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul? For the Son of Man is going to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay each person according to what he has done. Truly, I say to you, there are some standing here who will not taste death until they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.”

Then there are those challenging words in James 1

Testing of Your Faith
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

These scriptures need to be the prism through which we pass the popular thoughts and beliefs of our day:
“You deserve a break today “
Self care & mindfulness - but what are you mindful of ?

“I need time for me” - but at what cost to my family and church commitments You & I deserve to be able to have ............. (Whatever it is we think we need ) “It’s not right that people should suffer” etc.

These are but a few examples but we are bombarded with non-scriptural alternatives at every turn. Here in NZ & in much of society, God has provided many good things for us to enjoy and we are to be grateful to do just that. I, for example, still do have access to much modern medical care that is keeping me alive & I am very well provided for but what I must ultimately remember and live by is that ‘my days are in His hands”.

As a young Christian I was concerned with learning the word, how that impacted my day to day life as a teenager, then as a wife & mother. Learning that my identity was who I am in Christ, not what I could do. The difficulties we went through then served as a platform to relate to others and share the Word with them. Derek & I were a team. When he died, there was a huge shift in my understanding of who I was because over the years, rather than focusing on who I was in Christ, a subtle overlay of what we did (for Christ) had become more important. Again I used this grief to learn to reach out to others.

Now, as my body deteriorates, my energy levels are such that I find myself often unable TO DO very much. (A great frustration !) I look in the mirror and see an old lady that looks a great deal like my mother and I wonder who she is. Yet in all of this, I must acknowledge that God is Sovereign, my days are in His hands and this is a time to further prepare for that day when I either go to be with the Lord or He returns in His glory. This understanding of scripture brings me great Hope but the journey is not easy. It is important to me that I talk with others about this journey, otherwise I fall into ‘the trough of despondency’, especially when I feel that I am failing to do the right thing or that the medical system is failing my expectations.

Hebrews 12: 8-9 Let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another as we see the Day drawing near.

Our sharing together reminds those who know the Lord where our Hope truely lies and for those who do not know Him, then I pray that it might be a catalyst to the Lord opening their hearts to Him.

I hope this has been an encouragement to you.

Alison

Alison Heckler